Already Dead
by The Cinderninja
Summary: Because she doesn't get that I'm already dead.


**Mossmask: Aaand I'm getting out of hand again. This feels so flat and lifeless to me. I just need to stop. Stop and get my bearings, gather my senses. Stop forcing myself to write like a maniac. Y'know? I just feel like if I keep pushing fics out they're going to keep getting more and more flat and boring and emotionless until they just become words on a page. **

**~Dash**

* * *

Already Dead  
Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction  
by The Cinderninja

There was once a chance I didn't take.

My brother wanted us to bring our mother back to life. I didn't think we should. That sort of alchemy was forbidden for a reason. Most alchemists who tried it had died. Those who didn't suffered terrible consequences. It wasn't just against the laws of the state, it was against the laws of nature. And Teacher warned us extensively on the matter.

He was sure though. He was _so, so _sure. He knew we could do it. That we could find what the others had missed. He never once doubted. I wish I could have had that kind of conviction. But that sort of sheer determination and belief and strength... it's all something I've only ever seen in my brother. No one else can do it quite the same.

He almost convinced me. But I was too afraid. He didn't try to make me. He just smiled... it wasn't fake. He wasn't hiding any disappointment or resentment. He just smiled and told me that was fine, and he could do it himself. It wasn't an angry statement, it was just the way things were. He knew he could do it without me, and if I was frightened so be it. I wish I wasn't so afraid. Maybe... maybe if I'd have helped, things would have worked out differently.

So he smiled at me, clapped my back, and sat me down beside him. And told me to watch and learn. And see how it's done. And I did watch. I watched as my brother was torn apart by greedy little hands that have no place in this world. I watched as _things_ that shouldn't exist ripped his arms and legs off his body. And I saw that even as he was screaming and in pain, the last expression on my brothers face was _relief_, and he was looking at me. And I almost hated him in that moment.

Because he couldn't be mad. He couldn't just resent me for leaving him to that fate alone. He was just relieved that I didn't share it. So I couldn't hate him for it either.

And that was the last I saw of him. I can't imagine what must have happened after that. I've tried, but I really just can't imagine it.

And that was the last I ever spoke to anyone. I wanted my last words to be to _him_. I couldn't ever remember what I'd said to him before all that, but I liked to imagine it was something profound.

I'm sure how long I was in the basement before someone found me. It was a man I'd never seen before, and I don't really remember too much about him. He left soon anyway. I think he tried talking to me but I was in no mood to listen.

Now I just look out the window and wonder where the hands might take you and what might happen to a person whose been deconstructed. And sometimes I wonder what it must have felt like to have your arms and your legs ripped right off your body and your heart stolen away and to have all that blackness clawing for your blood, and I know that nothing I imagine would be very close, because I've never felt anything like that before. And I often wish I did know. Because we shared everything so it was selfish of me not to share this.

And some days Winry comes in and tries to talk to me and she doesn't understand why I won't answer her and she just sits there and cries. Sometimes she stands when she cries. And sometimes she yells at me. I want to talk to her, to explain. But she just wouldn't get it. Because she's still trying to get me to eat, and to talk, and to sleep, and to do all those things that living people do. Because she doesn't get that I'm already dead. I died with my brother, and now he's just waiting for me to catch up. He always has to wait for me to catch up. It's always been that way. But it's okay, because he's patient with me, and I won't keep him waiting for very much longer.

* * *

**Mossmask: And to immediately contradict my opening Authors Note, if you have any prompts, suggestions, or requests, feel free to message me and I'll give it the old college try.**

**~Dash**


End file.
